God's Call

I'm not sure that one post will be able to contain all that is swirling in my brain regarding God's call on our lives to begin the process of international adoption, so bear with me. It may take awhile to get it all out and into blogland. Also, remember that I'm a newbie at this!

So, I will start by saying that adoption has always been something that I have been open to. Mark and I have discussed it on many, many occasions, but the timing never really seemed right. And, I think it's fair to say that it was more of "my idea" than Mark's. He said that if God clearly showed us this was His plan, then he would pursue it. Of course, I firmly believed that we must be fully united in an endeavor this life-changing for us to ever pursue it. So I put the idea in the back of my brain where it sat for years.

Fast-forward to October of 2009. I attended a wonderful women's retreat in my town at the beginning of the month where God had some big surprises for me. First off, I didn't even want to go to this retreat. I teach 1st grade and try hard to juggle all those responsibilities with the responsibilities of being a mom, so when the weekends roll around I have a pretty full agenda for all that needs to be accomplished before Monday morning comes. Going to a retreat means that my weekend schedule is going to get all messed up! Add to that the fact that I was feeling somewhat dry spiritually, so the motivation to go just wasn't there. But bless the hearts of sweet friends who said that I needed to go! A dear friend of mine was the keynote speaker, and I wanted to give her my support and encouragement....so I VERY RELUCTANTLY went.

I won't give all the details of that weekend, but God showed up HUGE! He broke my heart for things that I needed to see---suffering people, my own lack of connection with some big things that have eternal value, hurt relationships that hadn't been fully rebuilt, etc... I spent most of the weekend crying--which is NOT NORMAL for me at all! God removed scales from my eyes, masks from my face and walls from my heart. It was excruciatingly painful, but eventually it was SO FREEING!! I went home with a deep feeling in my heart that my life was about to dramatically change...

I began to pray and meet with friends and talk with Mark about what was happening in my heart and life. I was also seeking God even more. I was hungry to hear from Him (and I still am!!). He was speaking into my heart and filling me with new thoughts and ideas and plans. I had the swine flu during this time and a friend brought me the daily devotional book, Jesus Calling. This book is written as if Jesus is talking to you and describes how much He longs to commune with you every day. It's been a life-changing book and I will probably quote it a lot here. (Get it if you can!!) Next, I began to question my calling to teach. I teach in a small Christian school where all of my kids attend. This is my 9th year there. A huge part of my identity is wrapped up in the word "teacher". After all, what would I do if I wasn't teaching? Would I just be a mom to three girls?? (I know the answer to this, of course I LOVE being a mom--I'm just making a point that so many women feel that their lives have to be totally busy and filled with all kinds of "meaningful activity" in order for them to be important or valued. I was realizing that I had fallen prey to this lie.). I still don't have all the answers regarding this subject, but one thing I know:

My identity is in Christ alone. I am His daughter, His Bride, His Beloved. I am bought with a high price and He values me just as I am--flaws and all. I don't have to DO anything to be fully loved and cherished by Him.

Okay, back to the story....
So, the holidays rolled around and I could see that this burning feeling that something big was coming was only growing stronger. I had great days of excitement and really hard days of uncertainty and fear. The roller coaster effect was beginning to take a toll. But then I would feel guilty realizing that many people LIVE on a roller coaster, so I'd try to buckle in for the ride. At this time I was reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I HIGHLY recommend it! My faith was being challenged in a new way. Was I really willing to give anything to see the lost come to Jesus? Would I be willing to give up the comforts that I like in order to give more to others who suffer and have not even the basic necessities? I was wrestling with these and other questions and not liking what I was finding out about myself...I mean, I've been a Christ-follower for like 35 years!! Why were some of these basic concepts about giving, loving and serving so hard??

I wrestled, I read, I prayed, I talked, and I resolved. I resolved that I would do whatever God asked--no matter how hard it was or how much it cost me. Mind you, this is not a one time decision! Each day--sometimes multiple times a day-- I must resolve again and give up my flesh to Him. (I know it seems basic to many of you, but remember that I'm a work in progress!) Soon, God brought more into my life to challenge me.

An earthquake happens in Haiti. Devastation. Death. An already overloaded system of orphanages was now being inundated with countless other children either orphaned or separated from their parents and family. However, for me, remember that the idea of adoption was in the back of my mind and was not going to be opened up again unless Mark brought it up. Well, he brought it up. He came home from work 3 days after the quake and grabbed me in a hug and said, "We need to seriously pray about adopting some of those kids in Haiti". Now, you'd think I'd be flying high that he brought it up, but no! The only real word I heard at that moment was, "some"! SOME!!! What is he thinking!! We began to talk fervently about it. I wanted to make sure that he was serious. Oh yeah, he was totally serious!

Prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. We told no one about our thoughts for awhile. We just read and prayed and fasted. We didn't want to do anything that was not in God's will. But the urgency of this huge disaster became the fuel that fed the small flame that was already in our hearts. Well, the floodgates of His leading began to pour forth. For my own clarity in writing this, I am going to list things that were happening in bullet form below:

• God allowed us to see tons of news footage with sweet little children who are in need of families. We were both moved to tears (not normal for us, but admittedly, these are just emotions--not something to base a huge decision like this on).
• Friends were saying things to me like, "I just have this strong feeling that God has a huge ministry for you that you haven't found yet." These were words from sisters in Christ that have a deep and abiding relationship with Christ. Their words matter much to me.
• My daily devotional, Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young had these words to say during this time of seeking and praying: "I am with you and for you. When you decide on a course of action that is in line with my will, nothing in heaven or on earth can stop you. You may encounter many obstacles as you move toward your goal, but don't be discouraged--never give up! With My help, you can overcome any obstacle. Do not expect an easy path as you journey hand in hand with Me, but do remember that I, your very-present Helper, am omnipotent." Such amazing and encouraging words for my fearful heart!
• We read these words of Francis Chan: "The way you live your days is the way you live your life". How do I really want to live?? Safely or sacrificially?
• Both Mark and I on the same day, yet at different times are led to read Is. 58. Neither of us knew the other one was reading it too until we talked about it that night. I won't quote the whole thing, but the first half is all about fasting (something we were planning on doing the next day) and the second half is all about helping the poor, oppressed and orphaned. Hmm...
  

I think I need to stop the bullets. I'm getting tired of it. Anyway, at the end of our week or so of praying, we took a day to fast and really seek God for an answer to whether or not we should pursue adoption from Haiti. A couple of hours before the fast was over I offered one plea to the Lord. I said, "Lord, I really feel that this is the direction You are asking us to go, but I am afraid to trust my feelings and afraid to head in a direction that is not from You. I am begging You to please give me one more REALLY CLEAR sign that this is what we're supposed to do. " Later that evening as we are chatting with my brother's family in our living room (and they knew nothing about any of this), my brother says out of the blue, "Hey with all that's happened in Haiti, you guys should really think about adopting some of those kids!" My brother was used to be the voice of God!! I about freaked out right there! God had given me exactly what I asked for! After they left (still not knowing anything), Mark and I decided that this was the path God was leading us to walk.

*So, this post is WAY too long...sorry! Next post~ Mountains begin to move!